Broken finally..

My Tamron 17-50mm finally broke down after an event shooting last week due to excessive turning of the zoom barrel. After servicing me for more than a year in all extreme and harsh conditions, it finally gives its way and decided to burn a hole in my wallet.

Nevertheless, I sent it to repair at the service center which cost me RM350. Hopefully when I get it back it will be as good as new and I will use it more carefully in future. =(

积极

积极，这个词，令我想起以前小学六年级时班主任交给我的两个字。
当年，老师印了一些词语，交给我们几个人，一人负责一个词。
我们的任务就是回家把它们上色，然后贴在班上的墙壁，作为勉励之用。

当年的我并不知道 “积极” 的含义，只知道是一些勉励词语。
回到家拿着那张印了 “积极” 两个字的白纸，问了妈妈 “积极是什么意识？”

妈妈含含糊糊的回答了，我也不清不楚的应了几声。
大概是说什么目标啊、努力啊、进取啊…就这样，手拿着颜色笔地把那个词给上色然后交给老师了。
“积极” 两个字，就这样贴在班里的墙壁上，直到我离开为止。

就这样一年一年的过去了，对于这两个字当然有更深的了解，也对我的人生有一定的影响。
很多时候，这 “积极” 的态度帮我度过了不少难关。
即使有时只有一个人，只要咬紧牙关，积极地面对，没有东西是做不了的。

然而这两个字，随着我开始工作后慢慢地消失了,我变得消极了。
每天日复一日的工作，也不知道自己在做什么，慢慢的失去自我，变得消极了。
对任何事也提不起劲，也不想去做。
有些东西明明很想去做，但是却找不到那股推动力，宁愿坐在那儿发呆，无所事事的过日子。

有时候东西开头了，却只有三分钟热度，就不了了之。
非常不喜欢这样的我。
当人长大了，责任大了，想得多了，顾虑也多了，自然的就会失去了年轻的魄力。
看着电视里的人能做他们想做的事，心里无比的羡慕，常问自己，人家可以，为何我不可？

现实往往就是如此，事与愿违。
我们看到的，都是那些能做到，有条件做到，还有有机会做到的人。
事实是很多人，想做也没办法做。
有人说，你要的人生就掌握在自己的手中，就看你敢不敢跨出第一步，积极地面对你理想的人生。

我能做到吗？我想，时时刻刻都想。
除非我能排除我所有的顾虑，不然梦想依然还是梦想。
我不能自私，我必须以大局为重。
看来，“积极” 还是留给找工吧……

It's July Already

It's July already, June was a mixed up month. Happy and sad feelings all together, along with busy schedule and lazy attitude. The blog entries are far less than targeted amount and I have myself to be blamed.

June was a happy month because I finally got myself a new phone after using my old one for four years. Even thou it is an expensive one, but it is well worth the price paid for. I guess I won't be doing anymore purchases anytime soon as I need to start funding for my other stuff. It was also a happy month because it has been a while since I went outside Malaysia for a trip, even thou it was just across the Tebrau Straights to Singapore, but it was still a good one especially it is a first time oversea trip with my gf.

June was also a sad month because I spent a lot on both phone and trip, but like I said, it was money well spent, so it really doesn't matter much. The real sad thing is the opportunity that I waited for half a year just decided to turn down on me due to last minute cancellation. I have spent months of time and effort to build up my basics and knowledge for that and it decided to close the door for the time being. To add more salt, the other opportunity also turned down on me as well. I guess June is not a very good month for a change, or maybe is it my luck has fade away. Now I'm back to ground error where I have no more aim and target, felt lost, like most of the young men at my age. It is also a sad month because my good friend/colleague is leaving the company to pursue his studies further.

June was a busy month too. I was busying playing around with my phone and writing reviews for the camera performance as shown in my previous post and separated blog. I was busy filtering photos from the Sekinchan Day Trip and Singapore USS trip as well, which I still haven't upload any photos here yet. I was also busy preparing for my presentation in the technical forum, but was only busy for a few days. There are a lot of stuff going on in my department where we had many meetings and discussions, follow up by plans to do. These all sums up to a busy month of June.

June was also a lazy month because I'm too tired from my daily activities and work. it's July already, hope I'm able to cover up the back logging items for this blog and hope for a better month.

Long Abandoned Post

Oh my, time flies and we are almost at the end of June now. Looking at the number of entries for this month really makes me wanna go LOL. Initially planned to have at least 15 entries per month and now my entries has been decreasing every month, the consistency is not there anymore! There are a few events for this month and I will try to update them ASAP. Been to Kuala Selangor, or Sekinchan to be precise and also a 3D2N trip to Singapore with my secondary gang of friends. Also, there are a few depressing incident that again affects my my confident and spirit. A few days more will be the technical forum presentation for my research project done last year, lots of things need to prepare as well.

As for now, I'm busy with filtering the photos from the Singapore trip and then I will continue filtering the paddy field shots in Sekinchan and share them here soon.

Confidence

Confidence is a very important element in my life. I have been brought up, labeled as a bright student, capable of doing many things. This indirectly shapes me to become a very confident person in doing my things, and sometimes arrogant too. However, I have long ditched the arrogant attitude after some kind feedbacks from some close friends. I learned to be humble and yet confident when tackling my tasks.

Over the years, confidence have assists me to accomplish many of the tasks that I face and fortunately able to go through all of it. While I cannot deny that luck does help me a lot, especially when I recap on how I gone through everything, yet confidence is also the main reason why I'm fearless when encountering problems or challenges.

There are many unhappy things, in particular, failures that occurred this year which slowly erodes my confidence. My confident level has fall until a point that I myself will think that I will fail even before I try. Because of this mindset, I have faced more failures than success.

For example, I played pool with my friends recently. It has been few years since I last played pool, and because this is a spontaneous activity, I do not have much mood to play. I joined my friend anyway since I do enjoy playing pool last time, but I sucked at it this time. I remember last time when I first played pool, I was confident that it should be easy and I played according to my common sense about force and angle. It all came out well and I thought I have little talent on playing that.

So this time, I was not in the mood to play and also my confidence level is very low, I missed many times and even did stupid mistakes and fouls. Mistakes that I couldn't believe I'm making, where my cue doesn't even touch the white balls as if I'm blind or what. Once awhile I told myself to stay cool and focus, I regain some confidence and managed to pocket the balls perfectly without a miss. But as soon as my guard is down and the confident feeling slipped away, I began to do stupid mistakes again like aiming the wrong angle, hitting the side of the white ball and stuff. All these happens because I'm not focused and not confident.

I wished to gain back the confidence I used to have. In order to do so, I need to seek motivation and self recognition about the things I do. i want to become the person that everyone can trust and rely on doing things again.

Travel Dream

I have been sick for the past few days and halted my progress for quite some time. I spend most of the time watching TV and some casual online these days. I watch a lot of travel, adventure and discovery TV programs. I'm envious of those TV host who can go around the world to discover things and places that we don't see often.

I wished that I can have the time and budget to go all the places, capturing all the beautiful photos that I want to record. However, not many people are able to do so. Those people who are wealthy enough can afford to do so,, but that's not the case for people like me who has limited income and commitment to carry out. I guess by that time I can be affordable, I have already lost the energy and spirit of a young guy.

If I were to cut all my expenses and save up for travelling, then it will definitely affect my plannings for my future which includes buying a property, building a family and stuff. There's a lot to consider, and to prioritize on what comes first in life. If I want to travel during my young age, I would need money and time. Which means, I will need to cut down expenses and earn more. I could just use up the money that I saved during my work and go for a trip and come back with empty bank account and start all over again, but this means that my other planning will need to be delayed again because I need to start earning the money all over again.
Furthermore, I can only use my annual leave up to a maximum of two weeks. Two weeks is sufficient for a short trip to an island or a city, but definitely not enough if I wish to explore a whole country, especially a big country. Hence, time is another constraint.

So, some would suggest that going for a lower budget trip. However, to be honest, the available cash for me to save up every month is pretty little because I have to pay my car loan, pay my parents and other expenses. I'm already at a minimum expenses where I do not having luxury spending on food and stuff. Therefore, besides finding ways to earn extra cash, I don't think I will be able to squeeze out more from it.

Oh well, I guess I have no choice then. What I can only do is to drool over the TV and screen for all the awesome scenery around the world.

Course and Profession

There's an interesting topic going on the radio today. Are you working on a profession that is based on the course that you studied?

Most of the student who just graduated from their tertiary education would prefer to choose a profession that is based on the course that they studied. Well, it's pretty straight forward isn't it? You studied engineering, then you work as an engineer; you studied accounts, then you work as an accountant; you read law, then you work as a lawyer. 

While some profession do follow the rule, such as lawyers and doctors; other jobs may not be the same, especially in business and banking.

Take example of my friends, some of them ventured into professions that is totally different field from what they studied in uni. This doesn't mean that they are not suitable for the job. One shouldn't constrain themselves into just one field of choice. Your previous selection might not be your current selection, your current selection might not be your future selection. 

Confucius once said, the only constant is the world it the world is changing. The world is dynamic, everyday we have different things happening here and there. Same goes to human, what you think during your child age might not be the same during teen age; what you think during study might not be the same as what you think during work.

I love to study engineering, but I do not like to work as an engineer. It doesn't represent my purpose of studying engineering. I like to create new things, but the work of an engineer, generally in Malaysia, doesn't involve innovation. Sometimes I do really doubt, do I really want to become an engineer? After started work, my interest towards business, finance and economy grew stronger and stronger. Every time when I read news or article about these field, I felt very excited. The more I read, the more I need to read. The continuous learning, can drive me to read non stop, even until late night.

Perhaps, I should consider to change field as well. But, is it too late? Hmm..

"Better late, than never.."

Ice Cream

Ice cream, every body likes ice cream, kids loved it, as long as you don't have sensitive teeth or diabetes, then you definitely love ice cream. The sweet blend of cream, milk, sugar and assorted flavoring definitely will cheer up your day when it melts in your mouth.

I always liked ice cream, but the love gets deeper when I had 12 scoops of Haagen-Dazs ice cream when I first visited Jogoya and tried it. Never in my life I have tasted any premium ice cream and I do admit that the experience in Jogoya is my first time. Even thou the flavours served in Jogoya are rather common, but I still able to differentiate the texture of premium ice cream when compared to normal ice cream that we buy in supermarket.

Maybe it might sound embarrassing that I never tried any premium ice cream before, but it is the fact that I cannot afford to enjoy such luxury due to wallet constraint. Nevertheless, the sensation of tasting better ice cream just keep reappearing in my head. 

Ever since, I always have a strong cravings on and off for ice cream. Having ice cream will definitely bring a different mood to me. Even though I cannot afford to have premium ice cream every time, but I'm satisfied with normal ones despite missing the soft texture of HD ice cream.

Sometimes my colleague and I will just drop by McD drive thru just for a cone of sundae or chocolate top or McFlurry, just to satisfy our cravings. The taste and texture of a sundae cone might not resembles a proper ice cream, but it is what we have for an instant one on the go. Something like a drug addict, satisfied by even just smelling gam.

Vision

I noticed that my productivity is better when I'm alone, I believe this is the case for most people as well.

Recall the days during my uni times where I spent most of my time alone in my room doing things that I want to do, I'm able to concentrate better and focus on what I want to do and what I need to do and often the results are above satisfactory.

Ever since graduated, I have been staying with my family ever since, even after I started my work. Some of my time is delegated to the family where I need to be their driver, follow any family activity, disturbed by various happenings, got scolded for not helping in household chores. I'm not saying that staying at home is bad, actually I'm OK to stay with them as we need to appreciate the people around, their existence around us. The family bond is still the most important thing in one's life.

However, when looking at my progression and planning for my future. Family is seen as an obstacle, no, I should rephrase as challenge, because we need to juggle between work, personal life and family relations. This gradually slows down my pace, causes me to lost focus of my goals.

Perhaps it's time for me to look for something else in my life, to be alone outside for some time, to seek what's my calling that will eventually be my ultimate direction of life, and not just get bind down to my family.

Daily Updates

I have skipped two days of blog entry due to busy weekend and lazy attitude, so I have to come up with three entries for today, which one of them is published just now.

Sometimes I asked myself, why do I need to start to force myself to update my blog daily? It’s not like its very important, or I have many readers. In fact, no one gives a shit about what I write here and probably nobody even knows the existence of this blog. However, when I think that, If I can’t even update a simple blog daily, how am I suppose to manage my daily life, daily task or perhaps daily business in the future? Hence, I’m taking this chance to train myself, to be consistent about what I want to do.

Even a little bit, helps training myself, and my mentality, to stay consistent, and keep to my goals ahead. Will start off with normal entries with simple thoughts, while planning ahead on what should I achieve or learn in the coming days.

This entry is for yesterday. 12 March, Monday.

Weekends

Busy weekend. This post supposed to be the post for Sunday as I set the target to update daily if possible. I'm already two days off my schedule, and have no choice but to put up a blank post to mark down the date, just to remind myself I have pending items to do.

Saturday was busy and a whole chunk of my time was allocated for the badminton tournament, which end up badly for my team. Resting at night, I barely touch anything that I initially planned to do. Laziness struck me again.

Sunday, today I have to accompany my mum for shopping as she has been staying at home for too long. It’s time to bring her out for a walk and hence there goes my time. My morning was spend in Tesco, shopping for groceries while the evening was spend in The Curve, doing shopping and dinner.

The gap in between Tesco and The Curve, is filled by my laziness again. Doing some light reading, watching TV and casual online while waiting to go out again in the evening. It has been some time since I last came to The Curve, they have changed their parking rates too, effective January 2012.

Mum and sis were busy visiting boutiques and stores while I went to some book stores to see whether there are books that I’m interested. Found some books about management, finance and marketing with appealing title and content, but not so appealing price tag. It seems like I still have to stick to Uncle Google for the materials that I need.

I used to see Citibank banners and posters everywhere while walking along The Street, now they are all replaced by OCBC’s banners and posters, with their offer for 20% dining at The Curve. Looks like it’s the opportunity for me to use my credit card to treat my family a dinner here at The Curve. Brought them for dinner, and received my rebate notification via sms the next day.

This is the first time I really enjoy the benefit of having a credit card, alongside with the usual RM50 rebates monthly.

A busy weekend, and yet another busy weekend ahead.

Badminton day

Today I had a badminton tournament, it has been awhile since I last played badminton. Since second year of uni to be honest.

It was a group tournament, something like thomas cup where the group scores counts more than individual matches.

My first match was a tough one because i'm the last pair of my group and we are even out at 2-2 by that time.

Being at such pressurized state, I began to lose some controls because I know i'm far from the playing form I used to have in uni, which is not that good that time anyway. But at least is much better than now, furthermore my stamina has been lacking since i'm a lazy guy at sport.

Anyway, that's not the main thing I wish to highlight. It's the mental pressure that I faced during that match. I believe everyone suffers from mental presure especially when it comes to things that you are not confident at.

Giving that i'm always confident at doing my stuff, sometimes I do face situations where I'll fear and afraid. And whenever such feeling comes, I'll lose my grip and everything went haywire. Similar situation happened before, which triggers my awareness that, i'm not invincible. I do have flaws and I do have weaknesses, everyone has, in fact. Whether you have more, or you have less.

The thing is, how to overcome your fears. Sometimes the lack of confidence pull you down from your normal state and cause you to perform worse than usual.

I lost my grip during my first match, I missed too many chances where I should score. Even thou my opponents are not that strong, the weak in myself amplifies under the pressure to perform, to score, and to nail it. Eventually we lost the match as expected. Realizing I can actually perform better during that match and maybe even winning it.

This situation is like a deja vu to me where I faced the same situation in the incident I mentioned earlier. It's not that I cannot perform, it's the desire in me that pulls me down from what I really good at. My stress handling has become so weak that I don't even realize it. It's all because of my slacking, my ignorance to self improve. Contended to what I achieved for my academic goal, I felt that I were good.

Realizing the fact that this feeling is haunting me again, I regain myself for my next round.

This time, our opponents are much stronger than previous team. However, because I have my mind set still before the match, I'm able to minimize my mistakes and regain some performance that I lost during the first match.

This clearly shows that, the mindset is very important to determine the outcome. It's normal when dealing simple tasks but when decision making or pressurized situation, the mindset is very important. I will always keep this in mind, and not forgetting to self improve.

A badminton match, different situation, but same theory applies.

Update: Some what related, but just for share.

 

 Source:  TED - Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work

credits & copyrights of TED

Chilling

Today is a chilling day.
The cold weather from the heavy rain last night,
was carried forward today.

Today's progress is slow,
need to keep on going tomorrow.

Signing off.

A blog a day..

A blog a day, keeps my laziness away..
I will try to blog everyday, from today.
As a habit, not to blog, but to keep it going.
To remind myself, I have my goals ahead.

I have been slacking a lot since start of work.
Laziness has bitten into my bones and became part of it.
Because I felt that I'm best at what I'm doing;
I'm better than anyone else in my company, made me stop to improve myself.
Arrogance, I would say.

Another reason is lack of motivation.

I start to slack, procrastinate.
Always think that it's not worth giving more,
since they will not appreciate.
Demotivated, I would say.

So, I slow my pace.
I remain stagnant;
I remain confident;
I still think that, I'm at my best.
Slowly I realise, I'm actually downgrading.
Rotting as time pass by.

A recent incident woke me up.
Hitting me hard, bringing me down to earth.
I then realised, what I have missed for the pass year.
Wasted my precious time, doing things that doesn't benefit.
Stupid, I would say.

Since then, I replan my whole future vision.
I start reading and researching ways to upgrade myself.
The enthusiasm and passion I long lost,
 revived again..

过了23年头的我…

刚过了23岁的生日，离开学生的日子也有段时间了，也好久没用中文写日志了。总觉得这次的生日，好象缺少了什么似的。以往三年，都是在考试里度过，匆匆忙忙的。现在回想，其实很想念以前生日时，朋友们都一起倒数，一起等待12点的来临。

以前没有facebook，msn 的时候，大家都用icq联络的。一等到12点，朋友们都一个一个写寄语祝贺。然后有了电话，大家都等到12点，短讯一个接一个的来。虽然简单，短短的一句，足以表达心意，也不需要贵重的礼物，不需要特别的庆祝。

后来，msn 时代的来临，大家也换了用 msn 祝福，还有一些依然用短讯。大家都会以不一样的方式写短讯，才不会显得单调，千里送鹅毛，礼轻情谊重。比起现在冰冷的墙壁，多了一份温馨。还记得以前一班朋友，一起在msn 里聊天，一起等12点的到来，然后一起打线上游戏。短暂，但是值得怀念…

Friendster 和 facebook 的出现，完全换了大家的模式。Friendster 的时候，都是写 testimonial 来祝贺；facebook 则在wall上写下祝福。以前，大家都会记得彼此的生日，有了这些社交网站的出现，大家也变得懒了，反正到时都会提醒，然后再会恍然大悟。有时过了也不知道。

今年非常特别，寄短讯来的可以说少过10个。全部都用面子书来表达，但是大部分的人，都是我不大熟悉，或很少联络的朋友。大家很有心的给予祝福，反而一些常联络的，竟然毫无声色，只字不提。看来我在大家的心目中，也只是某某路人，路过而已。

我以为我会不介意这一切，但是这次，心里的确不好受。难道我那里做错了吗？我真的那么不好吗？这几天心情灰灰地，话也不多说。工作太累了，不是身体的疲累，而是用脑太多了，疲倦了。我不会讨好人，也不会特体去讨好别人。看来我还是适合一个人，一个人走，一个人看世界。独行侠，应该是我吧。

给那些有心的人，谢谢你们。其他的，我也不怪你们。可能是我在那里的罪过你们，或者是我这个人太闷，不爱说话，不好接近。了解我的人不多；不了解我的人，我也不多说。

渐渐的，剩下的有心人也不多了。一大部分是因为我不爱交际的因素，另一部分，则是人的本性。 何谓朋友？需要你的时候，就叫朋友；利益冲突时，背后加一刀给你，也不足为奇。这里我要声明，我不是针对某某，我只是以我观察到的人生经验，写些而已。这也是为什么，我的朋友不多，知心的更少。对我来说，朋友不需要多，知心的几个就好了。但是知心的朋友难找，找到了可能也会因为种种因素而慢慢的疏远。

我的好朋友们，你们在哪里啊？

心情日记（一）

夜深人静了。肚子不是很饿，但还是习惯性地泡了一杯茶，饮了…

突然心血来潮，想要把我的心情点滴，一一记录下来，写成心情日记。至于这个心情系列，会写到多少篇，那就不懂啦…今天就开始第一篇吧。

嗯…

最近的我怎么了？变得懒散了，不积极了。嗯，也许是吧。

但，为什么呢？人生有何乐趣？家里每天大吵大闹的，关心我的人，屈指可数；了解我的人，更寥寥无几。

也许是习惯了一个人，知己朋友一个都没有。有什么事，都是一个人做，一个人解决。不开心，也咽下肚子拍拍没事。日子一久，就习惯啦…

古人说：人生，不如意事常八九，我说我的常九十！开心的日子是什么？何谓开心呢？回想这几年来，令我真正开心的事不多，伤心的可一箩箩。

谁不想开心一辈子？谁不想把烦恼忘掉？但偏偏就是事与愿违；渴望得到的，就往往得不到。看到我那么沮丧，是不是怕我乱想？呵呵，可没那么容易…

为什么我变得懒散？因为我已经厌倦了，无论做多好，还是有人会批评，你做了九十九件好事，但别人只记得你做过的一件坏事。好人难做，坏人易当，干脆就不做。反正做了也是会给人骂，给人讲。我最讨厌人家每天以这种想法想我，好的不想，偏偏想坏的。我那么坏吗？就坏给你看。要骂要说，谁你的便！

为什么你们的脑子都要往坏的方面想？明明知道不是，却要说好像是真的一样。真的搞不懂你们。

烦了…

不说了，下次继续…